“The Thanksgiving That Never Was”
A History Channel Exclusive
Most of you know the story of the first Thanksgiving, held to commemorate the arrival of the Pilgrims to the New World in a feast reported to have been celebrated with their new Native American Indian friends. However, the History Channel's historians have recently discovered that the landing we all celebrate was actually the SECOND landing of Pilgrim representatives to the New World. This story, history doesn't want you to know.
The History Channel's exclusive "The Thanksgiving that Never Was" will be right back after this word from our sponsor, the Tinybear 2000.
The Pilgrim representatives initially sent Goodie Snowpea to scout the new world. A fearless explorer, she and her dog Butterbeans had successfully infiltrated many courts in the Old World before she was assigned this dangerous task. Some bravery was necessary for this first foray into the New World, thus Goodie Snowpea was loaded on a small ship to cross the seas to the new land.
Goodie Snowpea arrived on Plymouth Rock in the wee hours of a chilly November morning. The native inhabitants greeted her warmly. Historians have found irrevocable proof that the first meeting did not go exactly as everyone had hoped, for Butterbeans peed on the Chieftain's shoes and Goodie Snowpea kicked at least 3 shins and broke one peace pipe.
The local medicine man was quickly brought to see if perhaps the long sea voyage had left her somewhat indisposed. When he attempted to gently examine her, she bit his finger and reportedly yanked on his long braid so hard that he cried. Butterbeans tried to bite him. There was a report of finding dog doo in one of the medicine man's boots, but that report is still unsubstantiated at this time.
The Chieftain was somewhat confused by this unwarranted behavior, and attempted to appease Goodie Snowpea by offering her sweetmeats and some choice apples. Luckily the Chieftain was quick on his feet and was able to duck the apple, although she did clock an unlucky deer passing by, who then went on a rampage, trampling 4 tents and destroying much pottery.
Unwilling to admit her mistakes in diplomacy when dealing with these newfound friends, Goodie Snowpea was sent back home in some disgrace.
Further reports leave us with Goodie Snowpea still living in England, where the Queen's Jewels were reported to have gone missing soon after a diplomatic visit to the castle. Some quantity of candy and toys were stolen from the royal nursery. Butterbeans was seen once again widdling on noble shoes.
At that time, history lost Goodie Snowpea. We certainly hope to see this interesting figure again, and hope next time she may be in a better mood.