Witch of Them All"
Once upon a time, in a spooky, quiet hollow, there lived a wee bitty
They had to buy her a special chair because she was too small for a
Her sisters were tall, beautiful, sexy witches with extravagant
Even the smallest of them was still bigger than SHE was.
She thought it was funny to hold her upside down from time to time.
And she didn't like that one little bit.
Halloween was coming soon, the most important day of the year for
It was so important that her sisters spent days on end pressing
their best witch dresses and making sure
their witch hats didn't
have any spiderwebs in them. They made sure their stripey tights
were clean and
practiced dropping houses on unsuspecting passersby.
The wee bitty witch was angry. She didn't want to iron her witch
dress and pick bat poo off her hat.
She was so angry that she
decided she didn't want to be a witch anymore.
She wanted to be something good. Maybe something scary! This year,
she was going to be a spooky,
rotting corpse of a mummy. That'll
But the wrappings tangled around her feet when she tried to walk,
and she kept falling over.
One of her sisters tore a piece off her
to blow her nose.
She didn't want to be a mummy anymore.
So, she decided to be a vampire. Yes, vampires were MUCH better than
They are predators that suck the blood of the innocent.
Vampires! That'll show them!
Even though she knew she looked extremely suave as a vampire, she
wasn't really very interested
in biting girls wearing skimpy nighties, and frankly, changing into a bat just to fly around is
just plain silly
when a good broom will do the job just as well.
She didn't want to be a vampire anymore.
Spiders are scary, right? She could spin spooky webs and spell out
"some pig" if she wanted to.
Spelling is good. Although she wasn't
entirely sure how many F's there were in the word "terrific,"
thought she could give it a go anyway. That'll show them!
Then she remembered that there was a spider in her sister's room,
and that her sister threw
a shoe at the spider, then squished it in
some tissue and flushed it down the toilet.
She didn't want to be a spider anymore.
Maybe a different kind of bug would be better...What about a
ladybug?! That'll show them!
Erm... no. Just... no.
She didn't want to be a ladybug anymore.
Hockey is an awesome contact sport! Hockey players with no teefs are
scary! She'd be great at hockey!
She'll be a hockey player! That'll
Unfortunately, one of the other players shoved her into the goal.
Even though the puck doesn't
usually fit there, surprisingly this
time it did. And the Internist THINKS he can
pull the stick back
out, but she was blacklisted from ever participating
in the sport
again for unnecessary roughness.
She didn't want to be a hockey player anymore.
She thought she'd try a different approach. One of her sisters was a
pinup model for Witch Weekly.
She decided she could be a pinup
model, too. That'll show them!
But they told her that she didn't have any boobies and they didn't
like her outie belly button.
The photographer made fun of her chubby
knees. He had to be rushed to the hospital to have the
surgically removed, but the doctor was hopeful that he would make a
although he'd have to pee sitting down from then on.
She didn't want to be a pinup anymore.
Singing cowboys make a lot of money. She would be a singing cowboy!
Yee-Haw! That'll show them!
She started listening to a lot of country music to get the idea, but
after hearing a song called
"I Still Miss You, But My Aim Is Gettin'
Better" she decided perhaps that wasn't the job for
an erudite soul
such as herself. Her first draft of "I Miss Seeing Your Head On My
So I'll Just Get It Back Out of the Freezer" was sent off to
Voodoo. He will probably like it.
She didn't want to be a singing cowboy anymore.
Clowns. EVERYBODY is afraid of clowns. She could haunt people's
dreams and fill their nightmares
with maniacal laughter and roses
that squirt water. That'll show them!
But the neighbor boy laughed at her and shouted, "Honk! Honk!" then
squeezed her nose.
They still haven't found all of the pieces of the
neighbor boy, but held a service anyway.
Lots of people brought
casseroles. She didn't really like casserole.
She didn't want to be a clown anymore.
Halloween was looming closer and closer. The wee bitty witch didn't
know what she was going to do.
She didn't want to be a witch
anymore; that was for sure! Phooey! Always the littlest one,
reach anything by herself, being held upside down... still....
....and so she decided, being the littlest witch really wasn't so
bad after all!!
Happy Halloween Everybody!
Love Sherry, Juniper Snowpea, and family
(PS I am a sucker for a happy ending!!!)